Thursday, April 06, 2006

In stunning news, President Bush fires, emprisons himself, Vice President

(from a future Onion, I'm sure) In an unprecedented and, by all accounts, stunning turn of events, President George W. Bush fired himself, Vice President Dick Cheney for their roles in outing covert CIA operative as multiple sources began to reveal the roles that the President and Vice President played in revealing the identity of Valerie Plame in their attempts to discredit and retaliate against her spouse, Joseph Wilson, for his role in questioning information presented in the President's 2003 State of the Union address. The transcript of the press conference follows:

My fellow Americans, as the President, it is my personal responsibility to protect the safety of the people of the United States. Moreover, I have the unfettered authority to do whatever I think is necessary to ensure that safety (link). As recent news have increasingly suggested, high ranking members of this administration played a pivotal role in revealing the identity of a covert operative working on preventing the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction program related activities. These individuals have struck a blow against the security and safety of every American. Normally I avoid commenting on ongoing investigations, except, of course, when I do. However, the facts as they have presented themselves leaves me with no doubt as to what has happened.

Consequently, I have no choice but to protect the American people from these breaches in National Security by firing those responsible, as I have previously pledged to do so. Consequently, in keeping with my responsibilities as President and unfettered power to act in the interests of National Security, effective immediately, I have fired both myself and Vice President Richard Cheney and ordered them held, without bail or hearing as enemy combatants.

At this point the press conference broke into pandemonium - unable to regain control of the press conference, former President Bush motioned to someone and Capitol Hill Police entered the room, took something from the President which appeared to be his keys to the Oval Office (unconfirmed), and the President was escorted from the building.

A senior administration official, whose identity is being protected so that he is not taken hunting with the Vice President, indicated that former Vice President Richard Cheney remained at large. The release indicated that Capitol Hill Police had called in the FBI for assistance in apprehending the former Vice President but apparently they were unable to determine his whereabouts because, as usual, he was in an undisclosed location. However, he did issue a brief statement through a spokseman arguing that since President Bush fired himself first, he no longer had the authority to fire the Vice President, effectively making Cheney the President.

The whereabouts of who to most observers was now the 44th President, former Speaker of the House now President Hastert was unknown but many in Washington were eagerly anticipating a rematch of his infamous slumpoffs with Vice President Cheney during President Bush's State of the Union Addresses.

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